DNC Autopsy Of 2024 Election Reveals Harris Lost Because There Weren’t Enough Fraudulent Votes To Overcome The Fact That She Sucked

Leaked details of the DNC’s autopsy of the 2024 election show the DNC party machinery simply could not produce enough fraudulent votes to overcome the fact that Kalama Harris sucked.

An anonymous Democratic official explained the findings.

“Harris did well with the traditional Democrat demographics, such as the dead, ballots counted twice, and absentee ballots for ‘no-shows’ filled out by party members. But dramatic leads in those areas simply were not enough to overcome being an unaccomplished slow-witted DEI candidate who specializes in word salads.”

The official was quick to deflect blame away from the party. “The party did what it could. Unfortunately, there are rules that limit cheating, and it’s difficult to push through last-minute unconstitutional rule-changes, unless there’s some sort of crisis,” they said.

“It makes one nostalgic for the ‘Good Ole Days’ of the pandemic.”

The official stressed that the results of the 2024 Autopsy will remain hidden, as admitting Harris was terrible would call into question to three fundamental pillars of the Democratic party: DEI, intentions being more important than results, and choosing candidates in smoke-filled rooms with party elites.

At publication time, the DNC was continuing to insist Harris was an exceptional candidate, it’s only racist when Republicans ask for ID, and Socialism will work this time.

- The Satirized Evening Post
February 23, 2026