Joint Chiefs Now Concerned Chinese Spy Balloon Gathered Sensitive Intelligence On US Military’s Use Of Preferred Pronouns
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US intelligence community now thinks the Chinese spy balloon that
floated over the US earlier this year did indeed gather useful intelligence on US military
capabilities.
As a result, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Mark Milley, is very concerned
that the Chinese may have learned about our military’s strategic use of preferred pronouns.
“If the Chinese know our pronoun plans, we’re in deep trouble,” said Milley. “They could predict
the location of every xie and zir, even before we deployed them. They also could have intelligence
on our new hypersonic sexual identities, stealth genders, or pan-sexual cluster pronouns.”
“We could lose our woke tactical advantage.”
Milley stressed how these pronouns are an important part of our over-all effort to face new
military challenges.
“It’s the 21st century, so it’s a whole new battlefield,” said Milley. Our new Sex-Ops division
is charged with keeping up with all the latest gender and sexual fetishes. We’ve also created a
new Tactical Toy division, so our soldiers will always have state-of-the-art gear: Laser-guided
strap-ons, drone dildos, Nanite nipple clips….everything a modern woke soldier needs.
“Rest assured, when our boys dive into a foxhole, they’ll have all the toys.”
“We’ve also reorganized and renamed our special forces units, to better fit into the modern
battlefield.”
“Americans can rest easy, knowing they’re protected by the Teal Berets, Rump Rangers, and Busted
Seals.”
“Not to mention the Commando Commandos.”
“And remember: Just because an army is woke, doesn’t mean it’s weak,” assured General Milley.
“We’d put our guys up against anyone else’s guys.”
“...And our guys might LIKE that.”
- The Satirized Evening Post
December 29, 2023