Jan. 6 Committee Claims It Can Place Trump in Dallas On the Grassy Knoll

Trump at the Grassy Knoll

WASHINGTON, D.C. – January 6th Committee Chairman Bennie Thompson announced he had “Bombshell” testimony proving President Trump was on the Grassy Knoll in Dallas on the day President John F. Kennedy was assassinated.

“Trump was there,” agreed Rep. Adam Schiff. “Trump killed Kennedy.”

Schiff showed a video of a woman testifying, with a man’s voice dubbed in saying, “Someone told me Trump shot Kennedy.”

He also produced a black and white photo of the Knoll where one person had an orange face.

“That’s as conclusive as it could be,” Schiff concluded.

“I agree with all that,” said Rep. Liz Chene. “And you have to trust me, because I’m a Republican.”

“Numerous other witnesses corroborated this, and there’s also lots of other evidence.”

“Except those witnesses are anonymous, and we can’t show you the evidence.”

Critics point out that in November of 1963, Trump was enrolled in the New York Military Academy in Cornwall, New York. Faculty members and numerous students place him in class at the time of the assassination, 1385 miles away from Dallas.

When asked if the committee interviewed any of these exculpatory witnesses, Schiff replied, “We don’t need any defense witnesses. We also don’t need to cross-examine witnesses, or submit evidence for any independent expert analysis.”

“That just would detract from our truth that Trump is guilty.”

Schiff then claimed Trump was also on the Titanic, at Ford’s Theater, and lurking around Mrs. O’Leary’s shed.

- The Satirized Evening Post
July 26, 2022

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