Debating Roe v. Wade Temporarily Makes Men Unable To Get Pregnant
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Yesterday the Democratic National Committee announced new scientific findings that show that
under normal circumstances men can get pregnant, however when debating the topic of abortion, this was no longer true.
“Normally, claiming men cannot get pregnant is insensitive, mean-spirited, and anti-science,” Said a DNC spokesperson,
“but when talking about abortion, it temporarily becomes a scientific fact.”
“The science is settled,” said the spokesperson. “We asked 97 women’s study majors, and three medical doctors, and found
a 97% consensus.”
“Science is always changing,” the spokesperson claimed. “In this case, it only changed for this one topic.”
“That's why it's acceptable to say 'men can't get pregnant' in order to silence men's opinions on abortion, but saying it
when discussing any other topic makes you Hitler.”
After the DNC announced this conditional scientific finding, Apple announced the latest iPhone iOS will make their pregnant
man emoji context-sensitive. If a text message contains the word ‘abortion’ or the phrase ‘Roe v. Wade’, the pregnant man
emoji will be disabled for the duration of that text message.
The iOS then automatically re-enables it for text messages about any other political issue.
Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas said the new DHS Disinformation Board would aggressively police this new
conditional scientific fact.
“We’re all about being factually accurate”, said the man who claimed the US southern border was under control. “The
Disinformation Board certainly will not allow anyone to say ‘men cannot get pregnant’ outside of this narrow context.”
Mayorkas said the DHS is developing technology to support other conditional scientific facts, such as it being only OK to
use stereotypes, blame the victim, and treat people differently based on race when doing so supports Democrats’ desired
conclusions.
“Science is complicated,” said Mayorkas. “It’s only a coincidence that it always seems to change to fit Democrats'
narratives.”
- The Satirized Evening Post
May 4, 2022