On Thanksgiving
Elizabeth Warren Reminds Everyone
How She Historically Oppressed Herself

Elizabeth Warren

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Elizabeth Warren held a press conference on Thanksgiving morning, reminding everyone how she still unfairly benefits from the white privilege that that continues to oppress her.

“As someone with both European and native-American roots, my white ancestors discriminated against my native-American ancestors,” complained Warren. “This gave one branch of my family tree an unfair advantage over the other."

"This systemic inequity still exists today, and I am still receiving the unfair benefits due to my terrible disadvantage.”

“A race isn’t fair when someone starts off so far ahead of themselves.”

“Oppressed people deserve to receive reparations from their oppressors, even if they did it to themselves,” said Warren. “Self-Reparations is an idea whose day has come.”

“To address this problem of self-discrimination leading to self-privilege, I am introducing a bill called the ‘White Americans Need to Kowtow to Eliminate Racism’, or WANKER act.”

“The WANKER act compensates people for self-abuse.”

Because the act forces people to ‘pay their fair share’ back to themselves, Warren says the WANKER act is a form of self-love.

"It a way for people to take care of themselves."

"Anyone who benefitted from self-abuse will qualify for assistance through the WANKER act. I'm a WANKER. Rachel Dolezal, who pretended she was black, is a WANKER. Jussie Smollett staged a fake hate crime against himself, so he's definitely a WANKER."

"And Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and anyone else who makes a tremendous living claiming to be down-trodden, they are huge WANKERs."

"And all of these WANKERs need help."

Warren ended the press conference by thanking everyone for listening about WANKERs, and then she gave herself a hand.

- The Satirized Evening Post
November 26, 2021

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