Democrats Claim The Solution To Alcoholism Is To Drink More

Chuck Schumer with multiple mugs of beer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After claiming that the best way to reduce inflation is for the government to spend more money and further inflate the money supply, congressional Democrats explained their next idea: Solving alcoholism by encouraging people to drink more.

“It’s simple,” said Chuck Schumer. “If we want to fight alcoholism, we must drink more alcohol.”

“Seventeen Nobel prize-winning doctors have said that the ‘Drink More Longer’ policy will reduce alcoholism in the long term.”

“An exclusive by the Institute of Brewing and Distilling confirmed that ‘Drink More Longer’ will not increase alcoholism.”

"And here is what the head bartender at Hooter’s said: 'Drinking More Longer doesn’t lead to alcoholism. It takes the edge off.'”

When asked for the names of these experts that allegedly support the 'Drink More Longer' policy, Schumer replied “Well, they all want to remain anonymous. But they exist. And they support it. Trust me.”

Some critics pointed out that Alcoholics Anonymous condemns this approach, and has data to disprove it.

Schumer dismissed AA as a far-right hate group.

The critics pointed out that many people have tried moderate drinking to curb alcoholism, but that failed every time.

Schumer replied, “Those attempts failed because they just didn’t go far enough. They needed to drink even more.”

Critics questioned whether these attempts failed because alcoholics shouldn’t drink at all.

Schumer replied, “If they hadn’t tried moderate drinking, their alcoholism would have been even worse!”

Schumer then listed some other similar Democrat policies, including:
  • Reducing crime by reducing the number of police.
  • Lowering gas prices by placing more restrictions on gasoline production.
  • Quelling a riot by letting rioters riot.
  • Controlling immigration by not controlling immigration.
  • Reducing their carbon footprint by flying around in private jets.
  • Encouraging people to work by paying them not to work.
  • Reducing the amount of human crap on the sidewalk by allowing humans to crap on the sidewalk.

Schumer said that after implementing these policies, Democrats' next objective will be to determine why their approval ratings are so low, and why reality is too stupid to follow Democrats' "settled science".

- The Satirized Evening Post
November 19, 2021

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