The Mainstream Media Grants
Special Dispensation:
"A White Person Attacking a Black Man While Wearing A Gorilla Mask is Temporarily Not Racist"

Larry Elder being attacked

NEW YORK, NEW YORK – On Wednesday, Republican Larry Elder, an African-American candidate for governor of California, was attacked by a white woman wearing a gorilla mask. The unidentified assailant threw an egg at Mr. Elder, and then physically assaulted a member of Mr. Elders security detail.

While normally, such an attack on a prominent African-American would be deemed a racial hate-crime, and be a front-page story, in this case the mainstream media has decided to give the story almost no coverage.

Today, in a small three-sentence story buried on page 27E in the classified ads, the New York Times explained the lack of coverage, indicating the liberal establishment has decided to grant special dispensation, and declare that temporarily, a white person attacking an African-American while wearing a gorilla mask will not be considered a racist hate crime.

Critics questioned a NYT spokesperson about this.

“Normally, any attack on a black man by a white person is automatically racist,” said the Times spokesperson. “And if the assailant is wearing a gorilla mask, that’s proof beyond all doubt: Not only is the attack racist, but it’s a hate crime, and the attacker is automatically deemed a Trump supporter.”

“But that rule is designed to protect liberals, not conservatives,” the spokesperson continued. “Physical violence, taunting an African-American with a gorilla mask...these things are horrendous. But we liberals are allowed to do them, because we know how to do them the right way.”

“So the event is a non-story. But if someone does the same thing to Kamala Harris, we’ll definitely scream it’s racist.”

Critics responded that this is a double-standard.

“No it isn’t,” replied the Times spokesperson. “Eventually we’ll treat it the same. We’re just waiting until after the politics have blown over. Afterwards we’ll definitely say we should have been more critical of this attack.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
September 11, 2021

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