Woke NBA Names Elderly Gay Asian Woman League MVP

Adam Silver Awarding the NBA MVP trophy

NEW YORK, NEW YORK – In an effort to show the world how exquisitely woke they are, today the NBA awarded its league MVP trophy to an elderly gay Asian woman.

The award went to Lìng Pái, an 84-year-old in an assisted living facility in Chinatown.

“This is a great example of how progressive we are,” beamed commissioner Adam Silver, dislocating his shoulder as he patted himself on the back. “The NBA is the first major sport to name an elderly gay Asian woman as their MVP.”

The choice shocked experts, who expected the award to go to Steph Curry of the Golden State Warriors. Curry averaged 32 points per game, made over 42% of his three point shots, and was the unanimous choice of all his fellow players.

On the other hand, Ms. Pái can’t dribble, shoot, or even run…but apparently really likes watching Matlock.

“There’s more to being ‘valuable’ than just the numbers,” responded Silver. “There is subjective criteria, and Ms. Pái did extremely well in those areas.”

Many assumed the “Most Valuable Player” award should go to an actual player.

“That’s divisive,” countered Silver. “Comments like that show that we’re just more inclusive than you are.”

Critics pointed out that, not only has Ms. Pái never played in an NBA game, but she is in a wheelchair, has trouble raising her arms above her head, and cannot feed herself. Based on these facts, many suggest that Ms. Pái was given the award for reasons other than her athletic performance.

“Of course it was for her performance,” snapped Silver. “Anyone who suggest otherwise is racist.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
June 18, 2021

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