Republicans Propose Closing the Border
“Just For Two Weeks” to “Flatten the Curve”

An overwhelmed migrant detention facility

MCALLEN, TEXAS – With skyrocketing numbers of illegal immigrants now overwhelming our border facilities, Republican lawmakers are taking a page out of the COVID-19 playbook and proposing to solve this crisis by closing the border.

Just for two weeks.

To flatten the curve.

“The Republicans’ plan is completely justified,” said a spokesperson for US Customs and Border Protection. “Our border patrol personnel and migrant facilities are completely inundated. Some facilities are currently at over 700% capacity.”

“We have to flatten the curve so these facilities can dig out from under this deluge. Otherwise, we can’t give these migrants the care they need.”

“Every person who successfully enters the US encourages more people to come. So if we don’t temporarily close the border, the numbers will rise exponentially.”

“We all need to work together, and the migrants who can’t get in will just need to sacrifice a little.”

Critics claim that things like walls, or closing the border, won’t work.

“That’s being anti-science,” replied the spokesperson. “We studied what was done in 2019 to reduce the spread of immigration, and that data shows that closing the border works.”

“Remember: This is just for two weeks. We certainly won’t find excuses to keep doing it indefinitely.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
April 7, 2021

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