Virginia School Bans Dr. Seuss Books
Claiming They Include
Racist Portrayals of Mythical Creatures

'The Cat in the Hat' cancelled

LOUDON, VIRGINIA – The Loudon County school district, just outside of Washington D.C., has cancelled their annual Dr. Seuss celebration and banned Dr. Seuss’ books, claiming the books are offensive and the portrayals of some make-believe creatures are racist.

“Dr. Seuss’ books are exactly the kind of Western-centric White Privileged racist screeds that we must protect our children from,” a Loudon school official said.

“First, look at how they focus on western culture: The Grinch only stole Christmas. He never pinched Passover, robbed Ramadan, or buggered Buddha’s Birthday.”

“Next, the topics are offensive to many groups: Hop on Pop offends kids without fathers, Horton Hears a Who offends the deaf, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish does not include enough fish of color.”

“Finally, the books are filled with racist overtones: The bad guy in The Sneeches was made to look ethnic, the Grinch was non-white, and the Cat in the Hat was a token black who stained the white kids’ bath tub.”

“Meanwhile, look how he portrays white people: Happy white kids “hopping on pop”, a nice white kid with a “Wocket” in his pocket, and the Whos saved by the heroic hearing of Horton, a white elephant.”

Critics disagree, claiming the vast majority of creatures in Seuss' books are make-believe, and do not coorespond to any actual human races.

“That's ridiculous," said the school spokesperson. "Bartholomew Cubbins was Dutch, the Who’s were Amish, and the Lorax was obviously Wilford Brimley.”

“How much more white can you get than Wilford Brimley?! The dude sold oatmeal for God’s sakes!”

“The only book we’ll allow is Green Eggs and Ham, because that promotes awareness of climate change.”

Critics agree with this last point, since 12 hours after eating Green Eggs and Ham, a person certainly might experience a green movement.

- The Satirized Evening Post
February 28, 2021

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