Biden Administration Favors Re-entering
Iran Nuclear Deal Because
We Just Didn’t Give Iran Enough Money Last Time

Iran Nuclear Deal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Yesterday, the Biden Administration announced they are in negotiations to resurrect the Iran Nuclear Deal, stating that we are long overdue for giving Iran another cash infusion.

“We just didn’t give Iran enough money last time,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken, formerly of the law firm Winken, Blinken, and Nod. “They have tremendous financial responsibilities with their funding of global terror, their ‘Death to America’ advertising campaign, and their purchases of nuclear weapon technology from South Korea.”

"If we're not sensitive to their economic needs, they'll never like us."

People who have never experienced a closed-head injury are dumbfounded by this position, and question the logic of giving billions of dollars to a country that wants to kill us.

However, Democrats smugly dismiss this as short-sighted.

“Even if someone wants to kill us, we can still find common ground,” said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “We can agree to let them beat us half to death.”

Other Democrats state there are other, more important factors in play.

“If we don’t give them money, they won’t work with us,” said Nancy Pelosi, fresh from a Botox treatment. “Then we might not look like the international ‘cool kids’ anymore.”

“Remember, the outcome isn’t important,” said Susan Rice, on her way to a fancy cocktail party with foreign diplomats. “What’s important is the process.”

“It’s misguided to focus on trivial facts like funding terrorism, cheating on treaties, and throwing homosexuals off rooftops,” said John Kerry, who negotiated the original deal while wearing spandex bicycling shorts. “It’s more important that we protect the Obama legacy. Otherwise people might stop thinking we're the brightest tools in the shed.”

President Biden was unavailable for comment, as he was busy eating his creamed corn. However, from her hospital bed Press Secretary Jen Psaki said, “I’ll circle back with you.”

Psaki is recuperating from whiplash after suddenly claiming the border detention facilities are no longer cages.

Senator Chuck Schumer summed up the Democrat position, stating, “These stingy Republicans need to start caring about other people, listening to their betters, and giving Iran more cash. Remember: A brutal racist homophobic theocracy that sponsors terrorism isn’t all bad, as long as they hate America.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
February 25, 2021

Return to Main Page