Canada to Create COVID Vaccine that Will
Politely Reason with the Virus

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

OTTAWA, CANADA – On Tuesday, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that Canada has signed a contract with Novavax to produce a Canadian version of a COVID-19 vaccine.

Instead of killing the virus, the Canadian vaccine will approach it in a friendly manner, speak politely, and try to get it to stop being such a hose-head.

“This whole pandemic has become a ‘gonger’,” said Trudeau, “But like…we don’t want to be rude, eh? Not even to a virus!”

“So we’ll just talk to the thing. See if it’ll be reasonable. Avoid a ‘kerfluffle’. “

“If the virus agrees to chill out, we’ll offer it a two-four. And maybe some hockey tickets.”

Trudeau says they plan to distribute the vaccine at Tim Hortons’, and in bottles of Lobatt’s.

- The Satirized Evening Post
February 5, 2021

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