John Kerry Insists the US Must Reduce its Carbon Emissions to Offset His Use of his Private Jet

John Kerry boarding his private jet.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On Sunday, special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry said that the people in the United States must significantly reduce their carbon emissions so that he can continue to use his private jet.

“The science is settled,” said Kerry. “Everyone else is just going to have to tighten their carbon ‘belts’ a little tighter.”

Kerry says that rejoining the Paris Climate Agreement is a good first step, however the US still needs to do more to offset his own personal lifestyle.

“People need to do more,” said Kerry. “Americans should pay at least $5 per gallon for gas, be subject to a carbon tax, and forced to use wind and solar.”

As he climbed aboard his jet on his way to a Climate Conference in Switzerland, Kerry suggested people use video conferences instead of face-to-face meetings.

“They should turn their thermostats down, use more public transportation, and limit travel," Kerry continued. "Americans need to stop being so self-centered, and give up some luxuries.”

“After all, the carbon footprint of my private jet, my 42-foot power boat, and my five homes isn’t going to offset itself.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
February 1, 2021

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