Robinhood App Shuts Down to Prevent
Stealing from the Rich to Give to the Poor

Robin Hood

MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – On Thursday, an army of small investors using the “Robinhood” stock trading app caused GameStop stock to both rise and fall nearly 40%, netting these small investors a healthy profit at the expense of several large, rich hedge funds.

In reaction, Robinhood halted the trading of GameStop.

A spokesperson for Robinhood insisted this was to quell volatility, but also hinted at another reason.

“We can’t have the poor stealing from the rich,” the Robinhood spokesperson continued. “We need to maintain order. This is not like some Medieval story, where a roving band of peasants can run around the forest, stealing from wealthy travelers.”

"But again, this was all about volatility."

In an unrelated announcement, Robinhood disclosed that they’d been bought by Nottingham Investments, and will change the name of their app to “Sherriff”.

- The Satirized Evening Post
January 29, 2021

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