Debbie Wasserman Schultz Praises the House for Removing Gender-References in Words
but Fails to Notice Her Own Name

Debbie Wasserman Schultz speaking.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After being re-elected as the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi’s first action was to push through a new rule package for the 177th Congress that will “honor all gender identities by changing pronouns and familial relationships in the House rules to be gender neutral”.

Congressperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz immediately praised the changing of all gender-references, but for some reason failed to notice the gender-reference in her own name.

Gender activists violently complained, stating that the congressperson’s name was offensive because it was not inclusive. Wasserman Schultz agreed, saying that henceforth she will be known as "Debbie Wasserperson Schultz".

The activists complained that this new name was still offensive.

"'Person' doesn't call out the different groups", they said. "It's saying 'All Lives Matter'."

"She should be known as 'Debbie Wasser-Man-Woman-Transgender-Transsexual- GenderQueer-GenderFluid-NonBinary-GenderVariant-Crossdresser-Genderless-Agender-Nongender-ThirdGender-BiGender-TransMan- TransWoman-TransMasculine-TransFeminine-Neutrois-AndSeveralHundredOthersWeHaven’tMadeUpYet...Schultz' ”.

Other liberal activists were offended that since “Wasser” is German for “Water”, it’s geographically exclusionary. To include all the other places people can inhabit, they demanded it be expanded to “Wasser-Luft-Land-Untergrund Schultz”.

Still others were offended that “Schultz” is a German title that means the “Head Person” in a town. Instead of just referring to someone in middle-management, they demanded her name also include “Bauer” (farmer/peasant), “Stadtmensch” (city person), and “Fuhrer” (Leader).

A fourth group was even offended at that, exclaiming that German is a white persons’ language, and demanding her name also include all these same terms in multiple languages of people of color.

Noticing that the length of her name had grown exponentially, a group of British observers stated any name that long should end with “Hautkopft of Ulm”.

Agreeing the long name was unwieldly, liberal linguists stated that they were the proper people to tell everyone else what to do. They decreed that she should use the name “Amcamaṟṟatu”. The linguists explained that this is a Tamil word, and since Tamil is widely considered to be the first language, it is a "Mother Tongue" and thus avoids any language offensiveness. The word means “without having any discernable features”, so it is inclusive by not differentiating this object from any other object.

“Everyone can be called ‘Amcamarratu’,” stated the linguists, “so no one can be offended by it.”

A non-woke linguist pointed out that this could lead to such useful sentences as “Amcamarratu, Amcamarratu, Amcamarratu, and I (also Amcamarratu) went to Amcamarratu, ate Amcamarratu, drank Amcamarratu, talked about Amcamarratu, and then went back to Amcamarratu.”

“Or,” said he said with disgust, ”instead of ‘Amcamarratu’, we could just call all these people ‘Muṭṭāḷ’.”

“That’s Tamil for ‘fool’.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
January 5, 2021

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