Colleges Announce Daycare Programs for Zoomers Who Want to Avoid Becoming Adults

College kids drinking.

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA – As new semesters start in colleges all across the country, many colleges are announcing new programs that are drastically different than traditional college curriculums.

Rather than focusing on providing a classic college education, these 6, 8, or 10-year programs will essentially become daycare programs, and focus on activities to help Generation Z students simply avoid becoming adults.

Tests will be abolished, and students will be enclosed in safe spaces, insulated from opposing ideas, or anything else that might make them think.

Instead, students will be taught what to think. They will learn to whine, complain that the system is unfair, and to believe they are smarter than everyone else, and therefore know how to solve all the worlds’ problems.

Meanwhile, they will be encouraged to party, play video games, and to praise socialism while they go on Spring Break vacations to exclusively non-socialist locations.

All the while staying on Mom and Dad’s insurance, and demanding the government cancel their student loan debt.

After completion of these programs, graduates will receive a degree in either Gender Studies, Ethnic Studies, or General Entitlement.

Asked if these programs will teach graduates any real job skills, an educator replied, “There’s no need. After they graduate, their employers will teach them to flip burgers or make venti caffe’ mochas.”

“But we will teach them to demand that government increase the minimum wage. Just because our graduates will be doing jobs that could be handled by any 16-year-old doesn’t mean they should be paid like one.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
December 31, 2020

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