Joe Biden Wears Two Masks to be COVID-Safe When He Talks Out of Both Sides of His Mouth

Joe Biden wearing two masks

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Presidential candidate Joe Biden appeared at a recent campaign event wearing two masks.

A spokesperson for the campaign explained that this was to protect Biden from COVID-19, regardless of which side of his mouth he was speaking out of.

“A President should follow solid public health practices,” the spokesperson said. “Joe wants to set a good example of being COVID-safe, both when he says he will and will not raise your taxes.”

“Therefore, Mr. Biden will follow all the scientifically-determined safe practices when he disavows the Green New Deal and contradicts the official Democratic Party platform which supports it, alternately saying he’ll ban and not ban fracking, and during whatever non-answer he gives when asked whether he will pack the Supreme Court.”

“Mr. Biden will also increase his social-distancing to 12 feet, to further protect him during double-speak.”

"So he's safe when he says he didn't meet with an executive from Burisma, and when he says he might have."

When Republicans criticized Biden's statements as contradictions and lies, Democrats were quick to jump to Biden’s defense.

“Our candidates don’t lie,” said a supporter. “They express necessary fabrications, critical for advancing the progressive agenda. Statements like ‘I did not have sex with that woman’, or ‘If you like your healthcare plan you can keep it’, or ‘Trump colluded with Russia’ were not lies. They were carefully-crafted mythical conjectures designed to achieve a greater good.”

“If Trump were saying all the same things he's saying today, but was on our side, then he wouldn’t be lying either.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
October 16, 2020

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