Left-Wing Groups Rush to Remove Civil War Statues Before Public Realizes the Generals Who Fought to Defend Slavery were All Democrats

Black Lives Matter protesting a Confederate Statue

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Recently, members of both ANTIFA and Black Lives Matters explained that it is critical for their organizations to remove all the Confederate Civil War statues before the public realizes that the people who fought to defend Slavery were all Democrats.

“At our core, BLM and ANTIFA are Marxist organizations,” said a BLM spokesperson. “The Democratic Party supports our Marxist positions, so to institute our Marxist agenda we need to get as many Democrats elected as possible. This is why it’s critical for us to bury the fact that it was the Democrats that defended Slavery, created the KKK, and passed and enforced Jim Crow laws.”

For similar reasons, Princeton University recently removed the name of President Woodrow Wilson from its school of public policy, hoping no one would realize that President Wilson – who forced racial segregation on the US military, stopped the League of Nations from adopting an anti-racism policy, and held a viewing at the White House of a film that glorified the KKK – was a Democrat.

“We Democrats at Princeton believe we are smart enough, wise enough, and moral enough to discriminate against Asian students with our admittance policies, and against men in sexual assault claims. However, the wisdom behind our current discrimination might be questioned if people realize the Democrats at Princeton previously discriminated against Blacks.”

The BLM spokesperson voiced a similar opinion. “We need to disassociate ourselves from the past Democrats who thought they were enlightened enough to improve America through anti-black policies. We present-day Democrats aren’t like that. We really are smarter, wiser, and more moral, so we know how to improve America through anti-white policies.”

“It’s totally different.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
July 29, 2020

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