Trump Rally will be Made Covid-Safe by
Having Attendees Wear Black Shirts,
Throw Rocks at Policemen, and
Engage in Simulated Looting

Kayleigh McEnany

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After hearing the many reports in the mainstream media that there is very minimal risk of COVID-19 spreading at the recent Black Lives Matter and other anti-police gatherings, a spokesperson for President Trump announced that, to ensure his up-coming rally is COVID-19 safe, it will be organized like a left-wing protest.

A New York Times spokesperson recently summarized the scientific findings supporting the conclusion that the left-wing rallies are safe:

“The science shows that when people gather together to protest against Trump, Capitalism, or police brutality, the COVID-19 virus does not spread,” said the NYT spokesperson. “However, if people gather for any other reason – to protest lockdowns, worship God, or get their hair cut – they just want people to die.”

“So unless you hate Trump, you must just stay home.”

Apparently, shouting anti-cop slogans, smelling smoke from a burning Wendy’s, or the simple act of throwing a brick...all kill the COVID-19 virus.

Even being within 30 feet of a pallets of bricks apparently gives some level of immunity.

Organizers of the up-coming Trump rally decided to capitalize on this newly-discovered science.

“We will give President Trump a bull horn that he can shout into,” said the Trump spokesperson, “We’ll encourage attendees to set things on fire, and have actors portray nationally-known preachers who will demagogue issues for their own self-aggrandizement.”

“There will be squads of mannequins dressed as police officers for people to throw rocks at. We will remove all the trash receptacles, and encourage people to throw their garbage on the ground to show disrespect for ‘The Man’. The restroom facilities will be closed, and instead there will be sidewalks and police cars for people to defecate on.”

Even the concession stands will be modified so attendees can engage in fake window-smashing and simulated looting.

“The concession stands will be disguised as store fronts, and all the food and gift items will be packaged as store merchandise. People can pretend to smash the windows, enter the store, and then pretend to ‘run off’ with hamburgers packaged in boxes from home electronic devices, French fries in containers that look like Air Jordan shoes, and Trump posters disguised as flat-screen TVs.”

The NYT spokesperson was critical of this whole idea.

“It’s ridiculous to think that simply engaging in these activities prevents people from contracting the disease,” the spokesperson said. “It’s actually the hatred of Trump that makes a person safe from the virus. Your hate makes you powerful. You must use your aggressive feelings. Let the hate flow through you. With each passing moment you make yourself more COVID-19 resistant.”

In response, the Trump spokesperson admitted that they won’t be able to completely simulate a left-wing protest.

“We certainly can’t simulate the left-wing hate,” said the Trump spokesperson, "or their air of superiority and self-righteousness. Also, our people won’t be criticizing stereotypes while embracing stereotypes themselves about cops and white people, claiming to fight fascism while employing fascist methods, or condemning violence while justifying their own violence.”

“But we will encourage all suburban millennials to repeatedly simulate being anti-capitalist while calling their rich parents and asking for more money.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
June 18, 2020

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