Science has Proven that
the Best Remedy for Racial Discrimination
is to Steal from Uninvolved Storekeepers

A store owner looking through his looted store

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA – In the wake of the horrendous killing of the hand-cuffed African-American George Floyd at the hands of a white Minneapolis police officer, racial tensions exploded in the city of Minneapolis, leading to massive but legitimate protests.

Unfortunately, it has also lead to riots, vandalism, and looting of stores.

While many critics claim the widespread vandalism and looting should be condemned, experts from academia say otherwise, claiming that the best remedy for racial discrimination is for individuals to break into random stores and steal things.

“The scientific data is clear,” says Dr. Martin Jefferson, professor of Ethnic Studies at the University of California – Berkeley, “the best way to correct racial discrimination is to break into an appliance store and steal yourself a flat-screen TV.”

“The greatest racial justice comes from stealing items that are the basic necessities of life. You know...home electronics, liquor, or Air Jordan shoes. Or small items that are easy to carry and pawn, such as hand-held devices, jewelry, or watches.”

“It doesn’t matter if the store owner wasn’t involved in any racial discrimination, or even if they are an immigrant or a minority themselves. They must have benefitted from White Privilege anyway, even if they’re not white.”

The professor also tried to tie the murder of Floyd to Republicans.

“This incident is all because of President Trump,” the professor said. “What Minneapolis needs it to elect more Democrats. They’ll fix this racism problem.”

However, the facts show that all the local Minneapolis politicians are Democrats, and have been for quite some time.

All the Minnesota governors have been Democrats since 2011. All the Minneapolis mayors have been Democrats since 1978. 12 of the 13 current Minneapolis city council members are Democrats (the remaining one is with the Green party). While the current police chief does not have a party affiliation, he was nominated by a Democrat.

So if the racism in Minneapolis - especially in the police department - is as bad as Democrats say, Democrats certainly have done an extremely poor job fixing it.

“Nonsense,” replied Dr. Jefferson, “this is still all Trump’s fault.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
May 31, 2020

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