Susan Rice Emailed Herself a Reminder
on How She Should Handle the Flynn Case
34 Minutes After She was No Longer
Handling the Case

Susan Rice

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Recent declassified documents show that Obama’s National Security Advisor Susan Rice emailed herself a reminder on how she should handle the case against General Michael Flynn 34 minutes after she was officially no longer was handling the case.

Rice sent herself the email on January 20, 2017, at 12:15 pm.

Trump had already taken the oath of office at 11:41 am, and had officially become President, 34 minutes earlier.

So by the time Rice sent herself the reminder, she was no longer the National Security Advisor, and therefore no longer was handling the case.

“I believe in psychic reminders to one’s past self,” Rice explained. “This is how we pass wisdom from our future self to our past self.”

“Like when I recently sent my 1996 self an email, reminding me to not urge President Clinton to refuse the Sudanese offer to turn over Osama bin Laden.”

“Or my Monday-morning email, reminding myself not to lie on five Sunday morning TV shows about the Benghazi attack being caused by a video.”

“Or the email I sent earlier today, reminding my 2014 self to not tell people Bowe Bergdahl was a hero captured by the enemy on the battlefield, and instead admit he was an Army deserter, like everyone in the Army was saying.”

When asked if these ex-post-facto reminds work, Rice replied, “Absolutely!”

“Tomorrow, I think I’ll send an email to myself in 2019, and remind my past self not to do things in this order:
  1. Handle the Flynn case.
  2. Then leave office.
  3. Then send myself a reminder on how I should handle the Flynn case.
  4. Then claim I had no knowledge of the Flynn case.
  5. Then claim I knew of the monitoring of Flynn, but not the unmaskings.
  6. Then admit I was complicit in the unmaskings.
  7. Then call for the recorded conversation between Flynn and the Russian ambassador to be released because it would show we had good reason to be monitoring him.
  8. Then continue to deny we did anything wrong until even more incriminating documents come out and I am finally dragged kicking and screaming to the full truth.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
May 22, 2020

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