NFL Proposes Choosing Superbowl Winner
Solely Based on Teams’ Diversity

NFL logo superimposed on a football field

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA – According to sources at the NFL off-season meetings, the NFL is entertaining a dramatic new system where the winner of the Superbowl will no longer be determined by playing a game. Instead, the commissioner will declare the winner solely based on which team has the greatest diversity.

“We originally considered other diversity incentives that fit into the current format of the game,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “On idea was varying the points awarded for scoring plays based on the ethnicity of the player who scored. For example, a touchdown could be worth more if it was scored by an Asian, or a field goal worth more if it was kicked by anyone who isn't Hispanic. But then we realized that the entire point of running a football team was to achieve diversity, so why not just measure diversity directly to determine the outcome of games?”

Under the proposed system, each team’s roster will be analyzed in terms of the percentage of players from various recognized ethnic groups. These percentages will then be compared to the US nation-wide percentages for those same groups. The team whose diversity percentages most closely match those of the US as a whole will be declared the Superbowl champion.

The actual game then becomes just a formality.

Goodell explained the logic behind this system, saying, “When choosing players, the only way to make race a non-factor was to make it the most important factor.”

“In the future, we want to expand this to include aspects like gender, religion, and sexual orientation as well. This would expand the simple one-dimensional categories into a multi-dimensional matrix where each player would be classified on several different attributes.

News of this potential new system sent shockwaves through the NFL, as teams scrambled to replace their current football-savvy GMs with ethnics studies majors who never actually played football.

When it was suggested that this proposed system might hurt the quality of play, Goodell dismissed the idea. “Fans don’t care about a high-quality game played by talented players,” Goodell said. “What they want to see is a left-handed female Hindu Filipino center snap the ball to an atheist Alaskan transgender quarterback with Downs Syndrome.”

One issue Goodell is concerned about is the possibility of cheating.

“We’re asking the players union to approve random DNA testing, to prevent players from falsely claiming to be an ethnicity they're not.”

“We also want random sexual orientation testing. If a player says he’s a homosexual, he’s going to have to prove it.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
May 19, 2020

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