Man Who Still Enjoys his $15M per Year Job Says Laid-Off Protestors Who Want to Go Back to Work Must “Want to Die”

Jimmy Kimmel

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel was the latest celebrity to criticize the anti-lockdown protesters, suggesting that anyone who wants to ease off on the lockdown must be “suicidal.”

“Everyone should understand that the lockdown is for their own good,” said Kimmel. “If anyone goes back to work, they might die.”

“Sure, the lockdown makes life difficult. I haven’t been able to vacation on a yacht with Magic Johnson, or go fly fishing in Montana with Huey Lewis. This year for my birthday I wasn't able to have Rihanna or Britney Spears to come to the house with a dance team to wake me up. Under the lockdown, I’ve had to go without these things, just like everyone else.”

“Believe me, I know what it’s like….day after day…being cooped up in a $7.1 million, 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom mansion. Every day... relaxing in the same spa, swimming in the same pool, watching the same home theatre system. But it’s a sacrifice we all have to make.”

Critics point out that the lockdown is not just making life monotonous; it's also causing severe economic hardships. Many people have lost their jobs, and research has shown there is a strong correlation between higher unemployment and higher mortality rates. They suggest that perhaps the best solution would be a blended one, where we keep the lockdown in place where necessary, but ease it off where we can, allowing some people to get back to work to alieviate some of the economic impact.

However, Kimmel was unmoved.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “I’m still working.”

“Besides, everyone has savings or assets to fall back on,” he said. “If money is tight, people should just tighten their belts: Sell the summer home. Buy only one $2000 Gucci suit this month. When eating at APL’s, forego having the rib eye, and settle with the New York Strip.”

“I mean, it’s not like the shutdown is threatening anyone’s livelihood, or putting people in danger of not being able to buy food.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
April 29, 2020

Return to Main Page