The New York Times Promises to be
More Critical of Biden's Sexual Misconduct
After He's No Longer Politically Viable

Nothing to see here. Move along.

NEW YORK, NY – In a story published on April 12, 2020, the New York Times reported it did a "deep dive" into the sexual assault allegations against presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden.

The article concluded that, "The Times found no pattern of sexual misconduct by Mr. Biden."

Tweets published the same day provided some of the details of the investigation.

Critics pointed out that one of the tweets, as well as the original article, said, "We found no pattern of sexual misconduct by Biden, beyond hugs, kisses, and touching that women previously said made them uncomfortable." However, after allowing the Biden campaign to review the article, the Times deleted the tweet, and revised the article to remove any reference to the unwanted touching.

"Doesn't unwanted hugs, kisses, and touching constitute sexual misconduct?" the critic asked.

"Oh no," replied the NYT spokesperson. "Not when we're talking about Biden."

When critics pointed out that the Times handled the Kavanaugh accusations much more harshly, and that the Times didn't allow Kavanaugh to review their articles before they were published, the Times spokesperson dismissed this.

"Don't worry. After Biden is no longer politically viable, we’ll definitely look back and say we should have been more critical of him."

- The Satirized Evening Post
April 18, 2020

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