New York Times Laments Suicide of Austere Vegetarian Artist

Hitler quietly painting

NEW YORK, NY – A recent New York Times article claimed that nearly 75 years ago disproportionate pressure from the Allies forced the unfortunate suicide of the "austere vegetarian artist" Adolf Hitler.

Their report included a photo of Hitler, smoking a pipe, and painting a picture of a common man lamenting the destruction of war.

"Although Hitler was admittedly responsible for many deaths, the Allies had no right to take unilateral action and pressure him to kill himself," the Times reported.

Today's leading Congressional Democrats agreed. Rashida Tlaib stated, "Confronting Hitler was a reckless act that needlessly escalated the violence and could have potentially expanded the scope of a world war."

Ilhan Omar added, "The Allies knew this would be a distraction from the world-wide economic depression of the 1930's."

The consensus of the Democratic Presidential candidates was that this move likely led to more deaths in World War II.

"We had Hitler contained by the Treaty of Versailles," said Joe Biden. "If I were President, I would never would have backed the US out of that treaty."

"Instead, I would have given Hitler a billion dollars in cash, and tried to better understand what we did to make him so angry at us."

- The Satirized Evening Post
January 4, 2020

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