Innocent 19-year-old Man Viciously Assaulted by Intimidating 81-Year-Old in a MAGA Hat

Old Man with a MAGA hat lying on the ground

FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, NEW JERSEY – According to main-stream media reports, last week a 19-year-old man in Franklin Township, New Jersey was viciously assaulted by an 81-year-old man aggressively wearing a MAGA hat.

Media outlets in New Jersey report that 19-year-old Ryan M. Salvagno was innocently walking into a ShopRite store when an 81-year-old man provocatively walked out deliberately wearing a MAGA hat. When Mr. Salvagno exercised his 1st Amendment right to verbally criticize the hat, the elderly man had the gall to reply.

After the elderly man continued to falsely believe he had the same right to speak as Salvagno, the elderly man then assaulted Mr. Salvagno by forcing the top of his own head into Mr. Salvagno's hand, and forcing Salvagno's fingers to clench onto the hat.

As the 19-year old Salvagno struggled to politely dislodge his unwilling hand from the elderly man's hat, the elderly man then forced Mr. Salvagno's other hand to grab onto one of the old man's arms, forcing Salvagno's fingers to involuntarily grab ahold. The elderly man then made Salvagno throw him down to the pavement, and then used his psychic powers to make Salvagno knock over the old man's grocery cart.

Despite the physical beating Salvagno got from the old man, he still graciously threw the hat back to him.

A Washington Post spokesperson said, "This is yet another example of the violent, intolerant behavior of Trump supporters, and the evilness of MAGA hats."

- The Satirized Evening Post
February 28, 2019

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