As Climate Change Threatens World’s Champagne Production, Climate Czars Fear They’ll Have Nothing To Drink With Their Caviar

John Kerry

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – The world’s climate czars Flew to Geneva to address urgent concerns raised by a recent rediction of a climate-driven shortage of champagne by 2050.

As a parade of Cesare Attolini suits and Louis Vuitton shoes disembarked from their individual private jets, a recurring theme soon became evident: The average people just aren’t doing enough to address climate change.

“The problem is the common people,” said US Climate czar John Kerry, adjusting his Cartier cufflinks. “They need to take climate change more seriously.”

"As climate czars, I’m not sure what more can we do. We’ve made time in our jet-setting schedules of cocktail parties, lavish dinners, and polo matches to lecture the masses on how they need to consume less.”

“We’ve outlined plans for them to give up their gas stoves, private vehicles, and all use of fossil fuels.”

“We’ve even convinced hordes of naïve young people to chain themselves to coal furnaces, throw soup at famous artwork, and glue themselves to government officials.”

“But the hoi-polloi has failed to listen. And because of their selfishness, we climate czars now face this Champagne Armageddon.”

“I’m afraid that’s it!” a frustrated Kerry exclaimed, pushing away his entrée of skillet-cooked duck breast with beets and watercress. “You little people will just have to eat bugs, breathe less, and use mullein leaves for toilet paper.”

Kerry outlined that the solution to climate change is simple: More government control, higher taxes, and forcing the rich to do their fair share.

Except for the rich like him, of course. When it comes to lavish living, Kerry insists they have no choice.

- The Satirized Evening Post
December 31, 2023

Return to Main Page