Biden Avoids Responsibility For Possessing Classified Documents By
Distancing Himself From Himself
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After news surfaced that President Biden was found to have classified
documents stored in at least two unsecured locations, the President attempted to avoid responsibility
for possessing these documents by distancing himself from himself.
“I can’t be held responsible for what Joe Biden does,” the President insisted. “I have never spoken
to myself about my classified documents, so I have no idea what documents Joe Biden might have.”
“Also, my lawyers advised me not to share the contents of these documents with myself, even if I try
to tell myself I’m the Commander In Chief.”
In her daily press conference, Karine Jean-Pierre pointed out that as soon as the documents were
discovered, the Administration immediately announced the issue two months later. They also insisted
they were being fully cooperative and transparent as they refused to provide any additional
Unsatisfied, the press corps continued to batter Jean-Pierre with more and more questions, until
finally her eyes appeared to glaze over, and she went into an infinite loop, robotically repeating,
“He takes classified documents seriously.... He takes classified documents seriously.... He takes
classified documents seriously....” over and over again.
Anonymous sources says KJP is now resting comfortably, playing with Play-Doh somewhere.
In a related story, sources also report that when Merrick Garland heard about this, he began shouting
all manner of profanity, realizing now he’d have to treat Biden and Trump equally.
- The Satirized Evening Post
January 12, 2023
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