CIA Starts Using Woke People Pontificating as
an Enhanced Interrogation Technique
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former CIA agent William Barto confirmed that the US Armed Forces have adopted a new enhanced
interrogation technique where detainees are forced to listen to woke people pontificating.
“This is a relatively new technique,” said Barto. “It’s called ‘Commonsensory Deprivation’.”
“And make no mistake: Being forced to spend hours listening to a trust-fund baby whine about ‘Privilege’ is enough to drive
“First we soften the detainee up a bit with preachy monologs about Cultural Appropriation, and how people are
unbearably victimized when someone else eats food from their culture.”
“A more intense level involves patronizinging lectures on Preferred Pronouns and Gender Fluidity.”
“Even more intense is “holier-than-thou” sermons on Social Justice and Systemic Racism.”
“And for the most hardened of terrorists, condescending diatribes on Microaggressions and Dog Whistles.”
“No one’s ever made it through ‘Microaggressions’,” said Barto. “One time we used it on some members of ISIS, and they
begged to be waterboarded.”
“And that was after we made the sessions less brutal by no longer using the voice of Alexandria
Although Commonsensory Deprivation has reportedly provided the US with a lot of valuable intelligence, not everyone
is in favor of this practice.
“Face it. It’s torture,” said a lawyer from the Christian League Society.
“Subjecting people to never-ending complaints about being helpless victims of trivial offenses is a crime against humanity.”
“I mean, after being forced to listen to a woke person sanctimoniously whining about gender identity, doesn’t everyone
just want to kill themselves?”
According to agent Barto, the KGB has begun using similar methods on American agents. However, since
our agents have spent 4 years going to American colleges, they’ve built up a tolerance.
- The Satirized Evening Post
May 4, 2021
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