DHS Secretary Announces Compassionate Plan to Entertain Bored Immigrants With
Big Game of Hide-And-Seek

DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas dismissed criticism that the Border Patrol is releasing illegal immigrants into the US without even providing them with a court date. He explained that this action is simply part of a compassionate move to relieve boredom among the illegal immigrants by involving them in an innocent game of hide-and-seek.

“It takes several weeks to process an immigrant, and they get bored,” stated Secretary Mayorkas. “Compassion dictates that we give these poor immigrants something to do."

“Since everyone enjoys playing Hide-and-Seek, we thought this would be a fantastic way for them to pass the time.”

The secretary explained the rules of the game:

“The DHS gives each illegal immigrant a bus ticket out of town. Then they’re allowed to move around, and hide anywhere in the continental United States.”

“And then we pretend to look for them.”

“Of course we don’t keep track of them, or obligate them to show up in court. That would be cheating.”

“To further make the game fair, we’ve also ensured that the entire governmental bureaucracy doesn’t force them to reveal that they’re illegal aliens. Social services, the census, when purchasing guns – they never have to reveal their immigration status. We even prevent local police from alerting us if they find an illegal alien.”

“Later, when the game is over, and it’s time for them all to come out of hiding, we’ll say ‘Olly Olly Oxen-Free’."

"Which, in Spanish, is pronounced ‘Amnesty’.”

“We feel this program is just another example of the superior wisdom, compassion, and honesty of the Biden Administration.”

- The Satirized Evening Post
March 25, 2021

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