Woke Movement Celebrates Victory After Nullifying the Gender of a Plastic Potato
PAWTUCKET, RHODE ISLAND – Social Justice Warriors across the country celebrated victory last week after Hasbro Toys
announced they were making Mr. Potato Head gender neutral.
“This is a monumental day for gender equality!” beamed CNN’s Brian Stelter. “Think of all the pain and suffering this
relieved!”
Critics replied, saying, “It’s a potato. A plastic potato. A low-density polyethylene representation of a tuber.”
“It’s more than just a potato,” replied Stelter. “It represents the feelings of human beings everywhere!”
Critics further point out that the entire point of the toy was to change its parts. Kids have always been able to choose
which parts they use, and where the parts go, and no one has ever been forced to follow any gender stereotypes.
“It stereotyped a gender, so this toy caused a tremendous amount of pain,” quipped Stelter. “People who don’t understand
this are just not as woke as we are.”
“While we’re celebrating this major step towards respecting the feelings of transgender plastic vegetables, we can’t rest
on our laurels,” Stelter said grimly. “There’s still a lot of work to be done. In the toy world, there’s still the
offensive forced-genders of Barbie, G.I. Joe, and Raggedy Ann and Andy. In advertising we must end the stereotypic evils
of Mrs. Butterworth, the Kool-Aid man, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Then there is the holy hell of billions of
verbally-challenged animals throughout the world who are unable to tell us what gender they identify with.”
“And finally, sadly, all those western European languages that still offensively assign genders to inanimate objects.
How can people sleep at night, knowing that in Spain, France, and Germany, that books, tables, and silverware are constantly
being cast into a gender that’s not of their choosing?”
“And yet...critics waste so much time criticizing us about this.”
Capitalizing on the left’s push for gender neutrality, and left-leaning individuals' desire to appear ever-increasingly woke,
Hasbro has begun a new advertising campaign where owning a gender-neutral Potato Head toy is now a symbol of wokeness.
Hasbro also says the tuber formerly known as “Mr.” can now choose his/her/zir/hir/eir/vis/tem/eir/etc. preferred pronouns,
and each different set of pronouns will be sold separately.
Hasbro expects new sets of pronouns to be discovered each week, and to maximize their wokeness, Hasbro encourages kids
to try and collect the whole set.
- The Satirized Evening Post
March 2, 2021