CDC Recommends Superbowl Parties Avoid Watching Sports

A Superbowl party.

ATLANTA, GEORGIA – The Superbowl is tomorrow, which means Superbowl parties.

However, cheering, alcohol consumption, and general socializing are all activities that could spread the COVID-19 virus.

To minimize this, the CDC has published the following guidelines for anyone throwing a Superbowl party:
  • To minimize physical contact, avoid inviting anyone you actually like.
  • Keep your front door locked. Less people will attend that way.
  • Turn off the heat in your house, and leave a door open.
  • Don’t serve food. If you must, choose items that naturally keep people away from each other, like garlic, chili, and sauerkraut.
  • Avoid cheering. Encourage people to discuss calm things, like sunsets, knitting, and tofu.
  • Instead of serving alcohol, consider herbal tea.
  • Tell your guests the toilets aren’t working.
  • Ask guests to remove their shoes, and then cover the floor with Lego.
  • Avoid watching sports. Instead, watch something soothing, such as The Hallmark Channel, Bob Ross painting, or reruns of “The Waltons”.

- The Satirized Evening Post
February 6, 2021

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