Seattle's Peaceful CHOP Protests Create Brotherhood by
Politely Destroying Property,
Peacefully Throwing Explosives, and
Lovingly Assaulting People
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – Democratic politicians and the mainstream media have uniformly described Seattle’s self-declared
autonomous CHOP zone as “mostly peaceful”, and noted the positive atmosphere in the area.
According to Yahoo News, "...the atmosphere has been part peaceful protest, part commune, with speeches, distribution of free
food, live music, a community garden and late-night movie screenings."
Seattle’s Mayor Jenny Durkan compared the city's self-declared autonomous CHOP zone to a block party. "We've got four
blocks in Seattle,” said the mayor. “That is more like a block party atmosphere.
As part of this mostly peaceful protest, Seattle residents were the lucky recipients of soothing chants of racial slurs,
tender vandalism, and the kind-hearted throwing of friendly bottles, cheerful rocks, and peaceful explosives.
Police reportedly found a knapsack that contained scores of non-violent rifle bullets and several peaceful Molotov cocktails.
Many local shops were pleased to have their windows gently smashed, their stores politely looted, and their buildings
generously burned to the ground.
In the streets, there were several very pleasant assaults, at least two thoughtful homicides, and the warm-hearted rape of
a deaf woman.
Overall, the mostly peaceful protests lead to a tranquil and relaxing 525 percent increase in violent crime compared to the
same period last year.
Previously, when asked how long the situation could last, Mayor Durkan replied, “I don’t know. We could have the summer of love.”
- The Satirized Evening Post
July 28, 2020
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