New York Times Reports that Anonymous Sources Cry "Trump is a Wolf!"
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – The New York Times reports that anonymous sources in the Trump Administration tearfully
exclaimed that Donald Trump is not actually a human being, but rather is a member of the species Canis Lupus.
In other words, they’re crying that Trump is a wolf.
“These anonymous sources have a solid track record,” said a spokesperson for the Times. “They told us that Trump colluded with
the Russians, the Steele Dossier was accurate, and that the FISA warrants for spying on Trump were not based on the Dossier.”
A CNN spokesperson also praised the accuracy of these sources. “They told us Cohen would testify against Trump,
that WikiLeaks offered Trump Jr. advanced access to the Democrats’ stolen emails, and that Russia attacked U.S. diplomats
at the Cuban embassy using a sonic microwave weapon.”
A critic pointed out that, far from being solid, the track record of these 'anonymous sources' is terrible. None of
the reports the Times and CNN just cited ended up being true. As just one example, the “strange sounds” the U.S. diplomats
reported hearing in Cuba ended up being from a common Caribbean cricket during mating season.
“Look,” said the Times’ spokesperson, “When these anonymous source cry ‘wolf’, we believe them. Anyway, we’ve moved on
from that claim, because now those sources say that the Russians placed a bounty on US servicemen, and Trump knew about it.”
And what if this latest report also turns out to be false?
“Hopefully...like the previous false reports...this new report will take a
while to disprove. By then, we’ll simply ignore we said it, like we've done with all our previous false anti-Trump reports, and
move on to some brand new false anti-Trump reports.”
The two spokespeople were asked what they do when their sources are exposed as liars and leakers, and fired from government.
The CNN spokesperson replied, “We hire them.”
- The Satirized Evening Post
July 1, 2020