Science has Proven that
the Best Remedy for Racial Discrimination
is to Steal from Uninvolved Storekeepers
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA – In the wake of the horrendous killing of the hand-cuffed African-American George
Floyd at the hands of a white Minneapolis police officer, racial tensions exploded in the city of Minneapolis,
leading to massive but legitimate protests.
Unfortunately, it has also lead to riots, vandalism, and looting of stores.
While many critics claim the widespread vandalism and looting should be condemned, experts from academia say
otherwise, claiming that the best remedy for racial discrimination is for individuals to break into random stores
and steal things.
“The scientific data is clear,” says Dr. Martin Jefferson, professor of Ethnic Studies at the University of
California – Berkeley, “the best way to correct racial discrimination is to break into an appliance store and
steal yourself a flat-screen TV.”
“The greatest racial justice comes from stealing items that are the basic necessities of life. You know...home
electronics, liquor, or Air Jordan shoes. Or small items that are easy to carry and pawn, such as hand-held
devices, jewelry, or watches.”
“It doesn’t matter if the store owner wasn’t involved in any racial discrimination, or even if they are an immigrant
or a minority themselves. They must have benefitted from White Privilege anyway, even if they’re not white.”
The professor also tried to tie the murder of Floyd to Republicans.
“This incident is all because of President Trump,” the professor said. “What Minneapolis needs it to elect more
Democrats. They’ll fix this racism problem.”
However, the facts show that all the local Minneapolis politicians are Democrats, and have been for quite some
time.
All the Minnesota governors have been Democrats since 2011. All the Minneapolis mayors have been Democrats
since 1978. 12 of the 13 current Minneapolis city council members are Democrats (the remaining one is with the
Green party). While the current police chief does not have a party affiliation, he was nominated by a Democrat.
So if the racism in Minneapolis - especially in the police department - is as bad as Democrats say, Democrats
certainly have done an extremely poor job fixing it.
“Nonsense,” replied Dr. Jefferson, “this is still all Trump’s fault.”
- The Satirized Evening Post
May 31, 2020