Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham Looking Forward to Secretly Running for President
WASHINGTON, D.C. – It is an open secret among DNC officials that presumptive Presidential candidate Joe Biden is no
longer mentally all there. However, rather than lose all control of the party to the outsiders that support Bernie Sanders,
the DNC has decided to run with Biden, using him as the face of the ticket, but have someone else behind the scenes actually
“Biden is definitely ‘A few fries short of a Happy Meal’,” confessed an anonymous DNC insider. “He forgets where he is,
what he’s talking about, and even what office he’s running for. We’re happy when he just remembers to wear pants.”
“So we’ll run him, but he’ll be no more than a figurehead.”
"Then, if Biden wins, we’ll run the Presidency the same way: With Biden essentially a ventriloquist’s dummy for the actual
Hearing this, famed ventriloquist Jeff Dunham offered to be Biden’s running mate.
“I have tremendous experience working with dummies,” Dunham said. “Their mouth may be moving, but I’m the one secretly doing
all the real thinking and talking for them.”
“If I'm doing the talking, it won't matter if he's ‘Still trying to knit after he's run out of yarn’, and doesn't know which
end of the broom to sweep with.”
“I'll just have to be careful I don't call him ‘Walter’.”
According to the insider, DNC officials politely thanked Mr. Dunham for his offer, but said they’d rather pull the strings
When asked what they’d do if Biden’s mental situation improved and he tried to take control, the source said the chances of
that were almost non-existent.
“The doctors tell us that Biden is suffering from a ‘Methane Inversion’. This where his brain farts more than his colon.
This is a chronic condition, and he will get worse and worse until he degenerates into full-blown Excrement-Cranium Disease.”
- The Satirized Evening Post
May 28, 2020
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