Governor Whitmer Drains the Great Lakes to Further Discourage Boating

Governor Whitmer draining the Great Lakes.

LANSING, MI – Stating that the it's a critical part of Michigan’s Covid-19 statewide shutdown order, Governor Whitmer announced that she has stepped up enforcement of Michigan’s "No Boating" provision by completely draining water out of the Great Lakes.

"Social distancing is important," a spokesperson for Whitmer said. "That’s difficult to do on a boat. And people don’t go boating with just the people in their household. In fact, when people go fishing, they’re actually trying to get away from the people in their household."

"While the ban on motorboats was a good idea, we realized that people could still paddle canoes out to the middle of Lake Huron and sit only 3 feet from one another. So we decided to remove all the water in the Great Lakes, to ensure that nobody could do any boating at all."

"We knew that this would not be without pain. Yes, it grounded the freighters and shut down all freighter traffic on the Great Lakes. Yes, it wrecked all the water systems of the coastline municipalities. Yes, it killed all the aquatic life. But we felt it was worth it."

"If it saves just ONE person...."

"And, look on the bright side: We solved the Niagara Falls erosion problem, now it’s easier to get from Milwaukee to Grand Rapids, and when global warming comes we’ll be safe from flooding."

(Special thanks to Paul Riggs!)

- The Satirized Evening Post
April 19, 2020

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