Democrats Prevent Further Biden Gaffs by Replacing Him with a Cardboard Cut-Out

Schumer and Pelosi with a Biden Cardboard Cut-Out

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In response to all the gaffs Joe Biden has made in his recent speeches, the Democratic establishment has decided that for the rest of the campaign they will replace him with a cardboard cut-out of himself.

"Joe's gotten to the point where he's not sure where he is most of the time, let alone who he talked to yesterday or what office he's running for," said a DNC spokesperson. "This was starting to severely impact his campaign, so replacing him with a cut-out was our only option."

"We'll use the cut-out primarily for speeches, and other appearances on a stage where there is little back-and-forth interaction. We'll keep the stage dark, and use a large podium so the cut-out is hard to see."

"For the audio portion, we'll use recordings of his old speeches. We'll correct the gaffs, and splice in different lines from other old speeches, so the recycled material sounds new. That's the formula for a good Democratic speech anyway."

"For debates, we'll just have to find a good voice actor to impersonate him."

"Originally, we tried to just have Biden stand out there with his microphone turned off, but that didn't work. Half way through a speech, he noticed the teleprompter, and wandered off the stage to find the remote so he could ‘change the channel’."

"Joe's just not all there anymore," said the spokesperson. "We're hoping the Donepezil helps. In the mean-time, we put the Presidential Seal on his walker, and told him he's already President. He doesn't know any better."

"We also gave him one of those ‘Easy’ buttons from Staples. Several times a day he hits it, and says he's bombing Canada."

"By using the cut-out as his public persona, we also don't have to worry if he gets creamed corn on himself, or spills his Postum. He can stay in his bathrobe, with his nice warm slippers and a fresh pair of Depends. Give him some Jell-O, a few Lorna Doone cookies, and turn on Lawrence Welk, and he's happy."

When reporters suggested that this might give the American people a false image of Biden as a potential President, the DNC spokesperson disagreed.

"Absolutely not," said the DNC spokesperson. "This is an accurate portrayal of how a future Biden Administration will work: We'll put him out there for show, while behind the scenes other people will be making all the decisions."

- The Satirized Evening Post
March 9, 2020

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