Adam Schiff Now is Calling People and Insisting There's a Virus on their Computer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Trade Commission has been receiving numerous complaints from people that say Adam Schiff has been calling them, claiming he found a virus on their computer, and that it's urgent they let him fix it.

Schiff's calls are extremely persistent, and he seems to be preying on the old and naïve.

"There is nothing wrong with my machine," said one complainant. "This is just a scam."

When people pointed out that it was proven that there was no virus on their machines by an independent virus investigation, Schiff claimed "There's plenty of evidence of the virus in plain sight" and "This Russian Collusion virus may very well have been one of the most successful in history."

Soon after this, Schiff apparently realized he couldn't get any traction with his claims about a Collusion Virus, so he altered his pitch by citing various new and different viruses: First the Obstruction virus, then the Quid-Pro-Quo virus, and then the Corruption virus. Each time, when people did not believe his current claim, he simply moved on to a new one.

If the people actually stayed on the call long enough, they found that Schiff did not actually want to clean their computer. Instead, Schiff wanted to replace it with one he would provide, sign them up for Schiff's expensive support service, and install a modified operating system that would control and monitor everything the user does.

This operating system was tried before in other countries, and the experience was not very positive. Users found that when they switched to this OS, it soon consumed all their resources, the machine became incredibly slow, and the costs for support kept rising out of control. Complaints fell on deaf ears, and since the users gave up their admin access, they could not fix the issues themselves.

When confronted with this, Schiff said, "That's not the operating system we're talking about."

The foreign users replied, "When we signed up, that's the same thing they said to us."

- The Satirized Evening Post
October 4, 2019

Return to Main Page