Bill Maher: Conservative Americans
Want to be Like Condescending Liberal Hypocrites Who Support Failed Policies that Stroke their Own Egos

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Last week, Bill Maher, the host of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher, stated that conservative Americans want to be like liberals. In other words, they want to be condescending hypocrites who support failed policies because those policies stroke their own egos.

"We liberals are so much smarter, wiser, and all-around better human beings than conservatives," Maher said, almost throwing his arm out of its socket as he patted himself on the back. "We're just better people than conservatives, and it drives them crazy."

"Conservatives hate the fact that our superiority allows us to do things they can't. For example, look at how we Liberals state that using stereotypes is categorically wrong, but then state that all white people benefit from white privilege. Or how we state that discrimination is wrong, but support race-based rules that make it harder for Asian kids to get into college. Or that divisiveness and hate-speech are wrong, but then we claim Trump and his supporters are racist Nazis who want American to be ‘white-only’. The rules against stereotyping, discrimination, divisiveness, and hate-speech don't apply to us, because we know how to do these things the right way."

"In fact, when we do these things, it's actually virtuous."

"And conservatives are just jealous."

"They're also jealous of how we liberal Democrats intuitively know which humans are not really full-fledged human beings. Before the Civil War we Democrats knew this about Blacks, and now we know it about the unborn. Even though the branch of science that deals with life – Biology – says both of these are full-fledged human beings, we Liberals are smarter than science."

"The reason we liberals support altruistic-sounding policies that have always failed, like Socialism and Gun-Free Zones, is because doing so strokes our egos," Maher said. "We also know the reason these policies have always failed before is because the people implementing them were not nearly as brilliant as we are. Now that we're here, there's finally someone around smart enough to make these policies work."

"Besides, just talking about altruistic-sounding things like a Living Wage, Medicare for all, and free college tuition makes us feel like we're more caring and compassionate than the rest of you inferiors. So we like talking about these ego-stroking topics, even if we can't implement them. That's why we rich liberals like to say we want to pay more in taxes but then never actually write that additional check to the Treasury, and we say we want to reduce/ban guns but then hire armed security details to protect ourselves, and we fly across the world in private jets to conferences where we talk about reducing our personal carbon footprints."

"The rest of you people are damn lucky to have us around to tell you how much better we are than you."

- The Satirized Evening Post
March 4, 2019

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