Conservative Man Has the Audacity to Complain When He's Punched in the Face

BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA – Conservative activist Hayden Williams was on the UC Berkeley campus recruiting for the conservative group Turning Point USA when a liberal student punched him in the face.

Surprisingly, Williams then had the nerve to call the police and complain about it.

"Mr. Williams was clearly in the wrong," said a spokesperson for the Berkeley College Democrats. "Asking someone to join any type of conservative group is like killing babies. No wait...that's OK. It's like pointing out that illegal immigration is illegal. That's the same as violence! And violence is wrong. So we're allowed to punch those people."

The UC Berkeley Administration agreed. "Mr. Williams was incorrect in assuming that, on our campus, Freedom of Speech applies to Conservatives," a spokesperson said. "It doesn't. We've pretty much declared all conservative viewpoints to be either too dangerous to be presented, or they're hate-speech. Mr. Williams needs to learn his place."

Predictably, conservative pundits pounced, using the trite complaint about double standards. However, the mainstream media quickly called them out on this.

"Conservatives can't expect the media to cover assaults on them the same way we cover assaults on liberals," said a spokesperson for the Washington Post. "That's just not going to happen. When a conservative is assaulted, they must have been asking for it."

Other mainstream media outlets declined to cover the story at all, refusing to give any publicity to an "uppity" conservative.

- The Satirized Evening Post
February 27, 2019

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