Jim Acosta's Mother Tells Him to Stop Owning Himself or He'll Go Blind

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After CNN's Jim Acosta posted a video on social media that proved that walls work – the opposite of his stated position – his mother responded that if he continued to own himself he'd go blind.

"As soon as I saw the glasses, I knew what happened," she said.

"When he was growing up, we repeatedly caught Jimmy owning himself. He'd set out trying to prove a point, but he'd actually prove the opposite, and then get all upset."

"He was often caught doing this in school. He'd write papers that accidently disproved his intended position. We'd constantly find these papers hidden under his mattress."

"We kept telling him to stop doing that to himself...that he should wait until he met a nice girl, and she could prove him wrong. By disproving himself, he was missing out on a special part of a male-female relationship."

"Evidently even the fear of blindness wasn't enough to stop him, because the self-abuse continues."

- The Satirized Evening Post
January 18, 2019

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