Politicians Issue Dire Warning that a Government Shutdown will Cause Numerous Post Offices to Remain Unnamed
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As President Trump and congressional Democrats battle over funding for the border wall, many politicians in Washington predict severe
consequences for the country, saying that if Trump indeed shuts down the government, a whole lot of post offices will not get names.
On her "I Haven't Gone Away Yet" tour, former Senator Hillary Clinton blasted the idea of a government shutdown. "During my eight years as a senator,
I introduced three bills that eventually became law: One designated a historic site, one named a highway, and one named a post office.
Our country simply cannot survive if there is no one doing this type of important work."
Congresswoman Maxine Waters shared her serious concern: "In my 28 years in Congress, I've introduced three bills that eventually
became law. And one of those was to name a post office!"
Congressional scholars point out that of the 222 congressional bills that became law in 2018, a full 30% of them were to name a
building, a bridge, or a post office.
In bi-partisan fashion, Republican Senator Bob Corker agrees with his Democratic friends. "People just don't understand how important
it is for a post office to have a name. Otherwise, people are stuck just saying, ‘I'm going to the post office.’ That leaves everyone
else wondering, ‘Which one?’ Think about how catastrophic that would be."
However, the potential devastation would go much further than the crippling issue of anonymous post offices. Congresswoman Waters said,
"Someone has to give long-winded speeches that no one listens to! Someone has to fly First-Class back and forth between my district
and Washington each week! Someone has to repeatedly yell ‘Impeach Trump!’ These things don't just happen by themselves!"
She also pointed out that at any given time, one half of the government is trying to stop the other half from doing anything.
"We have to stop Trump! And now that we have the House back, we have to stop him from stopping us from stopping him!"
A reporter pointed out that a vast majority of the daily services people need – stores, banks, gas stations, hospitals, highways, jobs, TV stations,
local police, etc. – are either provided by the private sector, or do not require day-to-day management by the federal government. So even if the federal government
closes, all these critical services will remain open. He also pointed out that if everyone in Washington is just trying to stop each other, then no
one in Washington is really accomplishing
anything.
"That's why we can't have a government shutdown!" Congresswoman Waters blurted out, "So people don't realize that!"
- The Satirized Evening Post
December 19, 2018