Harvard Law School Says Professor Elizabeth Warren's False Claim of Diversity Enriched their Educational Environment
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Although many universities have long claimed there are educational drawbacks to not having a diverse faculty,
Harvard Law School claims the quality of their educational environment was not diminished by professor Elizabeth Warren now admitting
she was never a "person of color".
In fact, the school is claiming that their students benefited from Warren simply claiming she was a native American.
According to the Boston Globe, from 1996 through 1999, and then again as late as 2011, Harvard Law School reported that they had only one
native American senior professor – Elizabeth Warren.
Now that Ms. Warren has retracted her claim of being native American, there was no native American diversity in the senior faculty
at the Harvard Law School during that time.
A spokesperson for the school responded, stating, "We still have solid data showing her make-believe diversity benefited students.
We're not going to disavow it just because she wasn't really diverse."
However, some students disagree. One former student lamented, "When Professor Warren announced she was no longer a person of color, all the
benefits I gained from her diversity instantly vanished. I immediately noticed I no longer had a good understanding of how native American people
think. I became more bigoted, my view of the world narrowed, and my educational experience was cheapened. I think Harvard Law owes me a
partial refund."
"Not to worry," the spokesman responded. "We'll have another professor retroactively claim to be native American, so all the
students' benefits from diversity will be reinstated."
Based on this noted "Placebo Effect" of false diversity claims, Harvard Law School has announced a new program called "Virtual Diversity", where many
members of the faculty and staff will begin claiming to be minorities.
"With the concept of Virtual Diversity, we employ virtual minorities, and therefore attract more minority candidates without having to relax our
hiring criteria," the spokesperson said. "I myself have decided I'll be Chicano. Now I can enrich the students' learning environment by
adding the perspective of someone pretending they grew up in a barrio."
The spokesperson then added, "And the data shows that we get the same benefits from Virtual Diversity as we do from Cis-Diversity."
- The Satirized Evening Post
December 15, 2018